the bachelorette

What a great weekend! Shuen and Julie flew into town on Friday, and we had a whirlwind weekend of good eating and drinking, chatting, and exploring! Though Julie's flight was severely delayed, we still enjoyed a relaxing evening at home on Friday:

On Saturday, we tried out the new Wafel Shop in Ann Arbor. The process:

The delicious result:

After that, it was time for our horseback riding lesson. We drove out to Rushlow's Arabians for a group lesson. The lesson was in an indoor barn:

Safety first, everyone!

We each rode a different horse (Eli, Hostess, Keebler, Rampage) and learned how to direct our horse to walk, trot, stop, and turn. No action shots, though – cameras weren't allowed during our lesson!

 

Here I am with my horse, Rampage. He was described as a grumpy old man who hates being around other horses. No one will be surprised to hear that we really got along:

 

Rampage is looking at you, and no, he is not amused.

It was really fun and totally unfamiliar and we all said we'd love to go back and do it again!

Then it was off to a wine tasting, paired with some snacky foods at Everyday Wines in Ann Arbor. We learned that a good Pinot Gris can, in fact, be paired with baklava with resounding success.

There was more eating and drinking and dancing with my friends from school – Beth, Brianne, Emily, and Charlotte – before collapsing after a long day.

On Sunday, we made a solid brunch at home (more waffles, please!) and spent the afternoon shopping at the outlets. Thanks for a great weekend, girls! Can't wait for the big one in May. =)

showered

Last weekend, my mom, her dear friend, and my bridesmaids threw me a bridal shower! I've been racing to keep up with everything this year, and this was one of the few occasions when I've been able to pause, take a breath, and enjoy the moment. I'm getting married! To Dave!

The shower was a "bridal tea." Mrs. Carlson's house was decorated in blue and silver, and my mom made all kinds of delectable treats.

It was so moving to be surrounded by friends and family, women who have been part of my formation for so long (some since birth!). I've been really sad about missing out on some of the joys of being engaged – savoring the anticipation, building a home, preparing for marriage and all the changes it entails. And so I really appreciated how the shower served as a rite of passage. We gathered for stories and games, songs and wisdom.

Here I think my mom is making fun of me.

Thanks for coming, everyone!

Operation WOOF

You astute readers of this blog may recall the summer evening when I met TUCK for the first time. I instantly fell in love with this friendly, curious, yet dignified terrier, and Dave and I have talked about him endlessly since. Sarah B. and her husband are family friends with Tuck's owners, so they have special access to him! Sarah B. – ever attentive, thoughtful, and creative – came up with the best idea for a post-dissertation reward, code-named "Operation Woof." Here's how it played out:

I called Dave after I finished my final meeting for the instructors of my course this afternoon. I was stressed out because I needed to re-grade some final exams to be more in line with the other instructors, finish calculating and then post final grades, etc. But Dave insisted (unusually) that he wanted to come over and hang out later in the afternoon. I can't even remember the last time we spent an afternoon at home, just hanging out. Early September? Late August? So I knew something was up...

But how could I possibly have predicted that when I opened the door at 4:30 pm, on my doorstep I would find this furry friend??

Tuck snuffed his way around the apartment, and then submitted to aggressive petting, hugging, playing, and belly-rubbing. He didn't seem to mind. We even went for a walk in the park before it got dark. Oh Tuck, you are the best dog! I can't tell whether this is too weird to share, but we took a "family photo" together with Tuck (someone else's dog) and Floyd (not-a-real-dog):

Someday, when we have our own kids, we'll laugh about this, I'm sure!

Tuck was only on loan, unfortunately, so we took him back home before dinner, where I tried to ingratiate myself with his owners. Until next time, Tuck. In the meantime, I'm going to savor Tuck's de-stressing effects and remain thankful for such a thoughtful friend!

you can call me doctor (but not *that* kind of doctor)

It's official: I defended my dissertation on Friday morning! Though I still need to deposit a final version in January and graduate in May, I can start calling myself Doctor. But to distinguish myself from my father and brother(s), I've decided I should be:

Dave had these balloons and flowers waiting for me in my apartment when I returned home after the defense! He is so thoughtful. =)


But I get ahead of myself. The defense itself was quite different from what I had expected. I had stayed up late the night before, cursing myself for not having reviewed the fragments of lost archaic epics about Heracles or including certain works on my bibliography. The morning of, I frantically repeated my various spiels to myself as I walked to the department, and almost got hit by careless drivers – twice! The gods were not looking favorably upon me. The four members of my committee met without me for the first fifteen minutes, to determine the shape of the defense, while I paced the hallway in my clicking heels. The committee invited me into the room, and my advisor immediately put me at ease by opening with, "We'd like to discuss how to turn this dissertation into the book." VICTORY!

The next hour and fifteen minutes were devoted to pushing and pulling at my ideas in the dissertation. The committee suggested that I combine two analyses into one, pointed out weaknesses in my discussions, and helped me think through how I will reframe the study for the future (think: violence theory). I won't pretend that I was comfortable, but there's something deeply enjoyable about having four terrific scholars arguing about your work with you. The discussion descended into complaints about certain aspects of the administration of the graduate program, at which point I think the defense was over. ;) The committee shooed me away, and I clicked through the halls again. This time, they invited me back into the room with smiles and handshakes and congratulations. Everyone was packing up to leave, so I had to whisper to my advisor: "Ummm, are we going to talk about revisions?" She said she'd email the committee's comments to me, but that she expects them to be "modest." RELIEF.

I still don't truly believe that I've complete the dissertation and will receive my PhD from this program. There were just so many times over the years when I truly, deeply believed that I should withdraw and find something else to do. But here I am, with a dissertation one of my advisors even said I "should be very proud of." He has never said anything of the sort to me before, so maybe he even meant it! I feel intensely grateful for so many things. My support group has always been there for me – my family and dear friends, who have heard me agonize and cry and despair so many times, and always reassured me that things will work out. Without Dave, I'm not sure I would've made it this far; he always gives me courage and steadiness for the task at hand.

But these things come as no surprise. What does surprise me is the appreciation I felt for my committee and department: scholars who have (loosely) shepherded and guided me from a barely-not-an-undergraduate to someone who could be an assistant professor at a major research institution. I may never become that assistant professor, of course, depending on the job market, but I'm still a bit in shock that the possibility is there. It's also strange to realize that my time at this institution is likely drawing to a close, and I must be ready to move on. To that end, I better get back to grading these final exams and preparing for my job interviews...

anatomy of a let-down

As all regular readers of this blog are aware, yesterday was the day I submitted the final draft of my dissertation to my committee, ten working days in advance of the actual defense on 14 December. Some of my readers are too aware, having graciously copy-edited dozens of pages for me at the last minute (Julie, Katie, Shuen) or created professional-looking images to replace my crude, preschool-level diagrams (Sarah B.)! I'd like to take a moment to brag: who could ask for a better team? I'm pretty sure most people don't have best friends who are superb writers and editors, send encouraging emails and flowers, and keep track of all the important milestones. I can't believe how fortunate I am. My cousin Ruth emailed me an adorable picture of Apphia every night for the past week; Dave cooked me dinner at home and then brought it to the department, so I wouldn't have to interrupt my work; Brianne delivered freshly baked cookies; everyone was patient with me. Whether from across the world or across the street, I've felt so supported and encouraged by you all! Thank you.

So I'm surprised I don't feel better about this whole situation, now that it's over. Even though the frenzy and concentration is over for now, I don't quite feel relieved or excited. It turns out that it was merely a moment of emotional significance for me, one that doesn't actually change anything. I feel disappointed that my dissertation didn't accomplish all I had hoped for, and at this point, all I see are the things I should've done differently two years ago. Yesterday afternoon, I spent hours wrestling with a printer that would jam every 20 pages (on a document that's 278 pages long), and then a photocopier that kept getting confused until it just plain gave up. And after all that work of perfecting the formatting and eliminating typos, I ended up sending an electronic copy in Word format to my advisor that didn't match the PDF and has continuous footnoting. (Curse you, Openoffice!) And of course, none of my committee members is happy to receive this mammoth and have to read it. By the end of the afternoon, I was just upset.

I'm sure I'll feel better after a couple days of SLEEP and easing back into the rest of my life. I took a first step last night: taking out the trash (all of my trash cans were overflowing! disgusting!). After taking Dave to the airport early this morning, I've been spending all day grading drafts and applying to jobs. Some things don't change, I suppose. In the meantime, it's time to consider what I want to add back into my life, now that I've stripped away everything that wasn't the dissertation. One definite priority: spending time with the family and friends who have been so good to me! I'm going to have to adjust to not being the needy, selfish one, for once... ;)

a Thanksgiving memory

As frivolous as it was for me to take two nights and go home for Thanksgiving last week, I'm glad I did it. I can hardly believe it was just a few days ago! But I'm quite certain I would've been too depressed and discouraged to be very productive in Ann Arbor if I had stayed; moreover, I did grade all my papers and complete this week's teaching prep while home, so this week, it's all dissertation, all the time! I only have four more days, so I don't have much choice. Waaaah!

Before I put my head down again to revise my last main chapter, I wanted to share a photo that my talented cousin Ruth captured and then emailed me last night. 

My niece, the Florette, is getting so big! She is wincing after I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She better start getting used to my affection! <hands on hips>

Who has the best friends? I do!, Vol. II

I posted earlier about how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends. One of the silver linings I've discovered about going through this challenging period of stress, self-doubt, and deadlines is that the abundant love and support of my friends and family have become even more obvious. I'm so glad that I don't have to do this alone! Sarah B. has been staying up-to-date on all of my milestones and bringing dinners and treats to my place. Julie and Katie are the ultimate cheerleaders, always helping me stay positive and offering their encouragements (not to mention Julie's help on my cover letters!). The Fat and the Flower text me adorable pictures of the Florette every day. My mom sent me home in October with so much food that I'm still working through my freezer – no sad eating for me! Dave doesn't yell at me when I yell at him. He's the best!

I was prompted to write down and share these reflections because of a surprise gift today from Shuen:

That's right: flowers, teddy bear, AND candy! It's like Valentine's Day with a new boyfriend! Seriously, though, I feel so loved. And her timing is perfect: today marks the beginning of the final push. I met with my advisor for what appears to be the last time before I turn in the dissertation to the committee on November 30th. To the finish line!

Who has the best friends? I do!

It's been a busy week. But just when I started to feel frantic and overwhelmed, I got the following encouragement from Julie! Isn't she the best?? I couldn't keep it to myself. Enjoy!




So you're trying to think of how to rework your dissertation...

And you have an idea!

And you're like...

But after 50 pages you're like....

And you chug through a few more chapters and you're like...

But you keep going! Go, Katie, GO!!!!!

And then... at last..... you are DONE! You are done with the dissertation!

You feel more confident about your skills and your job prospects, and you're like...

...before you start freaking out again and you're like...

But you try to put on a brave face...

And wait to hear back...

And it's a rejection. But it's just your first one so you just go...

Then you get a few more and it's more like...

But then! An awesome opportunity! THEY GOT IN TOUCH WITH YOU! And you're like...

And at the interview you try to look professional and not *too* excited...

And afterwards you're like...

And...

But GUESS WHAT!

It's an offer! You have an offer! And you feel like...

And...

And...

And...

And then you wonder, are you really ready to be a professor? Well, you may not do everything right at first...

And it's back to...

But you're done! You're really really done! Now you can be like this guy...

And you're like... can I just please please please get back to my wedding planning now?

You've made it! You help people understand literature and language!

And yeah, that feels good.

And now, time to think of more ways to use Disney in your papers...