Places Not to Visit in Michigan

It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw, I've gone to look for America...  (Simon and Garfunkel, "America")

Dave and I love to mindlessly cheer when we hear those lines. After all, we've passed by highway exit signs for Saginaw many times! We decided to make our false identification with the Michigan town more authentic by actually going there this weekend. Big mistake. I'm here now to tell you all: do not go to visit Saginaw, or probably any place in the Thumb.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. There were actually some nice spots in the town. We first visited the Castle Museum, formerly the Saginaw Post Office.

Beautiful building, from the 1890s. It currently hosts the Saginaw County Historical Museum, which was surprisingly contemporary, well-curated, and informative. We learned about the area's history with the lumber industry, then the manufacturing and automotive industry, and now the misery industry. It's located in the "business district," which is a misleading name. This is what the view across the street from the Museum looks like:

The beautiful weather might deceive you; this scene was absolutely desolate. Every building in the picture is empty, with the exception of the building on the far left, the Social Security Administration. There was not a single business in sight! No people either. Very post-apocalyptic.

I got scared, so we high-tailed it across town to the Children's Zoo. For a depressed, small-town zoo, it was pretty charming! Heavy emphasis on local farm animals over exotic big game, but that's fine. Here are some highlights:

 The Chicken House was playing an episode of "Reading Rainbow" on loop. LeVar is about to ask a bunch of hens, "Which came first?"

 This tortoise was desperately trying to escape. It was very sad.

 

 This joey is unimpressed by my imitation.

 There was a section of the zoo best-described as "petting zoo, if you can reach them." I've been longing for years to pet a Flemish Giant Rabbit, but alas, it was not to be this day.

We headed further up the road to Bay City, so we could go to the beach! Let me preface by first saying, Michigan has some absolutely stunning, gorgeous, write-home-about beaches. This beach was not one of them:

Note the charming factory not too far down the shore and the "beach muck," which a very small notice warned us was the result of algae bloom, and has tested positive for fecal matter and E. coli. I put my shoes back on. The notice was so small and full of text, I'm sure no one else read it. Public Health Fail.

Scared again, we turned around and got on the highway as soon as possible. We ended up in the "Little Bavaria of Michigan," the town of Frankenmuth.

While I usually consider myself far too cosmopolitan to enjoy this kind of kitsch, I must admit: at least it felt...safe?

Now I can say that I finally understand the Simon and Garfunkel song: yes, it is absolutely worth hitchhiking for four days out of Saginaw, even if the destination is the New Jersey Turnpike.

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