Deposit

The completion of my Ph.D. has not exactly been the triumphant march I had expected. My dissertation defense was remarkably anti-climactic, and it doesn't help that I took a good four months to finish my revisions and deposit the final copy with the University. At least I had good reasons for being busy in January, February, and March! As I was frantically finishing revisions last week, I ran into a committee member in the hall who teased me, "What, you're still here?" Yes, I am still here. As much as I've tried to think of myself as "done" with UM and prepared to be faculty elsewhere, it turns out that a number of checklist items remain to be accomplished. My relationship with UM, it seems, will peter out in dribs and drabs over the next month or so.

I went to my final post-defense meeting at the Graduate School today. The administrator handed me a piece of paper with a URL on it; I used my own laptop to upload a PDF of my dissertation and a copy of my abstract. She opened the file on her own computer, checked it over for formatting, and printed out a certificate for me. Then it was over. That's it? This time, I didn't even get the satisfying feeling of thumping a large stack of paper down on the desk.

See the shiny gold sticker at the bottom? It arouses such conflicting feelings in me. On the one hand: shiny gold sticker! I LOVE IT. On the other: seven years of labor for a stupid sticker? When will I learn to stop caring about the shiny gold stickers??

a busy season

It's hard to believe that it's really here: the hunt for a job offer. Before I came to graduate school, I dated a humanities PhD student who was on the academic job market for the first time. Needless to say, it left me somewhat traumatized and deeply anxious about my own future employment situation – starting 7 years ago. And now the time is here: I have several campus visits lined up. I'm polishing the talk, revamping the handout, editing the slides. I'm preparing my teaching demos, researching faculty interests, and starting to imagine myself here, there, or somewhere in between. Part of me wants to ask, how did this happen already? The other part of me reminds me: oh, about seven years of hard work (and I'm even getting the right husband out of it, too!).

I was feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed by it all last week. Too paralyzed even to blog about it. I'm not ready! I'm just a diversity candidate! They'll find out that I'm too young or not what they want or a total red-faced Asian when I drink! How on earth can I possibly the survive the scrutiny I will receive over the next six weeks? Then my dad reminded me, "It's just six weeks." That's right: six weeks. I can do this! It's just "a busy season," right? With all the travel, snatching of sleep, and frantic hand-washing, it will all be over before I know it. It's a little microcosm of this blog's subtitle: "seven campus visits. four performances of beethoven's 9th. one bridal shower. one job offer. six weeks. let's go!"

I'm off to my first school on Tuesday. Wish me luck!

success?

I can't believe I survived this semester! Looking back, I can now see how hybristic it was to attempt to accomplish so many things at once. And yet, things seem to have worked out. My dissertation only requires modest revisions before deposit; I have opportunities to discuss my work and teaching with search committees; aside from a few students who are angry at not being awarded an A just for showing up, my students seem to have enjoyed our class; the wedding will happen.

Victory! ...right? Yesterday was the first day I could wake up not feeling completely overwhelmed by the tasks awaiting me that day. And so it became the first day on which I could survey the costs of this kind of lifestyle. I gave up a lot of things I love this semester: singing, cooking, exercising (not that I exactly love it), keeping up with friends, reading fiction, leisure time, personal grooming, sleep. I needed all that time and mental energy to focus on myself and getting myself through each day. In fact, all I did was think about myself.

Turns out that utter self-absorption is not good for a relationship! Dave has been extremely generous and supportive this whole time – he has made me gifts, written me notes, and cared for me so many times. And while I appreciated each act and expressed that to him, I never returned the favor and made him feel cared for and beloved in the ways that he likes. We are very different, which is usually a good thing, but sometimes that means communicating our care for each other requires extra effort. I simply did not have the energy to take that extra step and think about what would make him feel especially cherished or known.

Fortunately, the time in my life of crying about my dissertation is over. But from all indications, the first year or two as a faculty member is even worse than any period in graduate school. In the Humanities, we talk all the time about how studying literature is supposed to help teach us lessons about life and relationships. Funny how a significant part of my dissertation is about the corrosive effects of individual heroism on the home: the very process of heroic success – victory in competition over a worthy but external enemy – is antithetical to wise rule over a stable household. So you'd think I might have been more aware...but no. So here's the challenge: how can we accomplish everything on our to-do lists, while still nurturing and protecting our future marriage? A new year, a fresh start begins soon. Let's see how we do!

you can call me doctor (but not *that* kind of doctor)

It's official: I defended my dissertation on Friday morning! Though I still need to deposit a final version in January and graduate in May, I can start calling myself Doctor. But to distinguish myself from my father and brother(s), I've decided I should be:

Dave had these balloons and flowers waiting for me in my apartment when I returned home after the defense! He is so thoughtful. =)


But I get ahead of myself. The defense itself was quite different from what I had expected. I had stayed up late the night before, cursing myself for not having reviewed the fragments of lost archaic epics about Heracles or including certain works on my bibliography. The morning of, I frantically repeated my various spiels to myself as I walked to the department, and almost got hit by careless drivers – twice! The gods were not looking favorably upon me. The four members of my committee met without me for the first fifteen minutes, to determine the shape of the defense, while I paced the hallway in my clicking heels. The committee invited me into the room, and my advisor immediately put me at ease by opening with, "We'd like to discuss how to turn this dissertation into the book." VICTORY!

The next hour and fifteen minutes were devoted to pushing and pulling at my ideas in the dissertation. The committee suggested that I combine two analyses into one, pointed out weaknesses in my discussions, and helped me think through how I will reframe the study for the future (think: violence theory). I won't pretend that I was comfortable, but there's something deeply enjoyable about having four terrific scholars arguing about your work with you. The discussion descended into complaints about certain aspects of the administration of the graduate program, at which point I think the defense was over. ;) The committee shooed me away, and I clicked through the halls again. This time, they invited me back into the room with smiles and handshakes and congratulations. Everyone was packing up to leave, so I had to whisper to my advisor: "Ummm, are we going to talk about revisions?" She said she'd email the committee's comments to me, but that she expects them to be "modest." RELIEF.

I still don't truly believe that I've complete the dissertation and will receive my PhD from this program. There were just so many times over the years when I truly, deeply believed that I should withdraw and find something else to do. But here I am, with a dissertation one of my advisors even said I "should be very proud of." He has never said anything of the sort to me before, so maybe he even meant it! I feel intensely grateful for so many things. My support group has always been there for me – my family and dear friends, who have heard me agonize and cry and despair so many times, and always reassured me that things will work out. Without Dave, I'm not sure I would've made it this far; he always gives me courage and steadiness for the task at hand.

But these things come as no surprise. What does surprise me is the appreciation I felt for my committee and department: scholars who have (loosely) shepherded and guided me from a barely-not-an-undergraduate to someone who could be an assistant professor at a major research institution. I may never become that assistant professor, of course, depending on the job market, but I'm still a bit in shock that the possibility is there. It's also strange to realize that my time at this institution is likely drawing to a close, and I must be ready to move on. To that end, I better get back to grading these final exams and preparing for my job interviews...

anatomy of a let-down

As all regular readers of this blog are aware, yesterday was the day I submitted the final draft of my dissertation to my committee, ten working days in advance of the actual defense on 14 December. Some of my readers are too aware, having graciously copy-edited dozens of pages for me at the last minute (Julie, Katie, Shuen) or created professional-looking images to replace my crude, preschool-level diagrams (Sarah B.)! I'd like to take a moment to brag: who could ask for a better team? I'm pretty sure most people don't have best friends who are superb writers and editors, send encouraging emails and flowers, and keep track of all the important milestones. I can't believe how fortunate I am. My cousin Ruth emailed me an adorable picture of Apphia every night for the past week; Dave cooked me dinner at home and then brought it to the department, so I wouldn't have to interrupt my work; Brianne delivered freshly baked cookies; everyone was patient with me. Whether from across the world or across the street, I've felt so supported and encouraged by you all! Thank you.

So I'm surprised I don't feel better about this whole situation, now that it's over. Even though the frenzy and concentration is over for now, I don't quite feel relieved or excited. It turns out that it was merely a moment of emotional significance for me, one that doesn't actually change anything. I feel disappointed that my dissertation didn't accomplish all I had hoped for, and at this point, all I see are the things I should've done differently two years ago. Yesterday afternoon, I spent hours wrestling with a printer that would jam every 20 pages (on a document that's 278 pages long), and then a photocopier that kept getting confused until it just plain gave up. And after all that work of perfecting the formatting and eliminating typos, I ended up sending an electronic copy in Word format to my advisor that didn't match the PDF and has continuous footnoting. (Curse you, Openoffice!) And of course, none of my committee members is happy to receive this mammoth and have to read it. By the end of the afternoon, I was just upset.

I'm sure I'll feel better after a couple days of SLEEP and easing back into the rest of my life. I took a first step last night: taking out the trash (all of my trash cans were overflowing! disgusting!). After taking Dave to the airport early this morning, I've been spending all day grading drafts and applying to jobs. Some things don't change, I suppose. In the meantime, it's time to consider what I want to add back into my life, now that I've stripped away everything that wasn't the dissertation. One definite priority: spending time with the family and friends who have been so good to me! I'm going to have to adjust to not being the needy, selfish one, for once... ;)

a Thanksgiving memory

As frivolous as it was for me to take two nights and go home for Thanksgiving last week, I'm glad I did it. I can hardly believe it was just a few days ago! But I'm quite certain I would've been too depressed and discouraged to be very productive in Ann Arbor if I had stayed; moreover, I did grade all my papers and complete this week's teaching prep while home, so this week, it's all dissertation, all the time! I only have four more days, so I don't have much choice. Waaaah!

Before I put my head down again to revise my last main chapter, I wanted to share a photo that my talented cousin Ruth captured and then emailed me last night. 

My niece, the Florette, is getting so big! She is wincing after I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She better start getting used to my affection! <hands on hips>

D.I.Y. Standing Desk

Being a graduate student is dangerous work. For example, your lifestyle is so sedentary that you may develop severe pain in your hips, lower back, and shoulder and neck areas. Also, this lifestyle will apparently kill you. Recent headlines*:

Is Sitting a Lethal Activity? (NYT)
Your Office Chair is Killing You (BusinessWeek)
How to Stop Your Office Chair from Killing You (Forbes)
How Sitting All Day is Damaging Your Body and How You Can Counteract It (Lifehacker)

The solution probably includes regular exercise, more intentional activity, less laziness. But what to do if you've sworn off exercise until your dissertation is due, despite your persistent and distracting pain? People seem to be pretty excited about the "standing desk." I've seen one or two while walking past the philosophy offices, and they look pretty convenient. But they're also expensive, and though there are some plausible D.I.Y. set-ups described on the internet, I have neither the time nor the space in my studio to construct one.

Good thing that I already have one!

Turns out that all you need is a baker's rack from the Flower (a gift to me when she moved in with the Fat), and a GIANT Cuisinart toaster oven! While I still sit to do most of my writing and editing, I like to grade papers with this arrangement. Here's hoping this keeps my body from completely falling apart in the next month.


*Apparently even on my blog, I can't resist creating a select bibliography.

Who has the best friends? I do!, Vol. II

I posted earlier about how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends. One of the silver linings I've discovered about going through this challenging period of stress, self-doubt, and deadlines is that the abundant love and support of my friends and family have become even more obvious. I'm so glad that I don't have to do this alone! Sarah B. has been staying up-to-date on all of my milestones and bringing dinners and treats to my place. Julie and Katie are the ultimate cheerleaders, always helping me stay positive and offering their encouragements (not to mention Julie's help on my cover letters!). The Fat and the Flower text me adorable pictures of the Florette every day. My mom sent me home in October with so much food that I'm still working through my freezer – no sad eating for me! Dave doesn't yell at me when I yell at him. He's the best!

I was prompted to write down and share these reflections because of a surprise gift today from Shuen:

That's right: flowers, teddy bear, AND candy! It's like Valentine's Day with a new boyfriend! Seriously, though, I feel so loved. And her timing is perfect: today marks the beginning of the final push. I met with my advisor for what appears to be the last time before I turn in the dissertation to the committee on November 30th. To the finish line!

Frazzled Fraggle

It's all starting to catch up to me, and I'm becoming extremely frazzled. As of today, I have exactly three weeks to revise my dissertation and get it to my committee before the defense! I plan to send off the introduction by tomorrow, but I expect that to require a lot of revisions once I get feedback. Urgh. The good news is that "frazzled" sounds kind of like "fraggle." Try saying "frazzled fraggle" three times fast! At least it will make you smile.

Here's a fearful fraggle:

Now...what cute thing sounds like "frantic"? Because I'm pretty sure that's how I'll be feeling next week!

Time to bring down the hammer

on myself! I am so nervous about writing my introduction well that I've been madly procrastinating on doing it. We all know what a formula for success that is. In the past two nights, I have spent at least an hour stalking the Facebook profiles of people I don't even know. This is really, truly scraping the bottom.

I have a pet peeve about people (looking at all you graduate students out there) who spend all day complaining about how stressed they are and how much work they have to do and how overwhelming it all is instead of just sitting down and doing it. So between now and my dissertation defense day, I am off Facebook. I deleted my account, and I'm going to try to stick to it. I will definitely miss certain things about it, but I think I can live without them for the next two months (LESS! EEPS!). I'm sure I will find other ways to procrastinate, but this can be one form of discipline. Hold me to it!

Just hanging around...

This hasn't exactly been the best week. In fact, it's been full of tears. There have been the dissertation-tears, job-application-tears, advisor-tears, I'm-a-mediocre-scholar-tears, I-have-no-money-tears (don't worry, Mom: I'm getting paid on Friday), wah wah wah. But, Sarah B. came to the rescue, bearing watermelon (and you all know how much I love watermelon) and delicious casserole. She also sent me this encouragement yesterday:

"hope you are HANGING IN THERE very strongly - or at least surefootedly (my vision here is sloth.  preferably 3 toed)."

!!! Hanging in there like a three-toed sloth!

Aww, what a great little sloth! Looking so secure and content. Was Sarah already aware of my long-time affection for the sloth? This picture was taken at the San Diego Zoo in September 2010, in the "prehistoric animals" section:

And just because it's so darn cute, here's a baby one:

Who has the best friends? I do!

It's been a busy week. But just when I started to feel frantic and overwhelmed, I got the following encouragement from Julie! Isn't she the best?? I couldn't keep it to myself. Enjoy!




So you're trying to think of how to rework your dissertation...

And you have an idea!

And you're like...

But after 50 pages you're like....

And you chug through a few more chapters and you're like...

But you keep going! Go, Katie, GO!!!!!

And then... at last..... you are DONE! You are done with the dissertation!

You feel more confident about your skills and your job prospects, and you're like...

...before you start freaking out again and you're like...

But you try to put on a brave face...

And wait to hear back...

And it's a rejection. But it's just your first one so you just go...

Then you get a few more and it's more like...

But then! An awesome opportunity! THEY GOT IN TOUCH WITH YOU! And you're like...

And at the interview you try to look professional and not *too* excited...

And afterwards you're like...

And...

But GUESS WHAT!

It's an offer! You have an offer! And you feel like...

And...

And...

And...

And then you wonder, are you really ready to be a professor? Well, you may not do everything right at first...

And it's back to...

But you're done! You're really really done! Now you can be like this guy...

And you're like... can I just please please please get back to my wedding planning now?

You've made it! You help people understand literature and language!

And yeah, that feels good.

And now, time to think of more ways to use Disney in your papers...

The First Olympics

I haven't been able to watch NBC's TV coverage of the London Olympics, but I've been catching bits and pieces of the live streaming online. The Olympics are always so exciting!! One thing that I bet the NBC commentators haven't shared with the audience is the "true" origin of the Olympics. I'm not talking about the first modern Olympics, in 1896, or even the earliest entry on the ancient victors' list from Olympia, dating back to 776 B.C.

I'm talking about the legendary foundation of the Olympic Games by my guy, Heracles. I came across this description of the event today in Diodorus Siculus (Oldfather's translation, emphasis mine):

After the performance of this Labour [of the Cretan Bull] Heracles established the Olympic Games, having selected for so great a festival the most beautiful of places, which was the plain lying along the banks of the Alpheius river, where he dedicated these Games to Zeus the Father. And he stipulated that the prize in them should be only a crown, since he himself had conferred benefits upon the race of men without receiving any monetary reward. All the contests were won by him without opposition by anyone else, since no one was bold enough to contend with him because of his exceeding prowess. And yet the contests are very different one from another, since it is hard for a boxer or one who enters for the "Pankration" to defeat a man who runs the "stadion," and equally difficult for the man who wins first place in the light contests to wear down those who excel in the heavy. Consequently it was fitting that of all Games the Olympic should be the one most honoured, since they were instituted by a noble man. (IV.14.1-2)

Now Heracles, he had the right idea! Next time I found an athletics competition, I hope I win every event uncontested. (And, for the record, he picked a terrible place for his Olympic Games – no water or shade! He had to go all the way to the land of the Hyperboreans to pick up some olive trees.)

good advice

I've been writing some every day this week, and it's been a drag. But I came across the following advice in a recent issue of the New Yorker. It's part of a "Talk of the Town" interview of the master stone carver who is inscribing the new granite monument on Roosevelt Island. Something about his work reminded me of the dissertation:

But he is really slow. He averages just fifteen letters a day...He quoted a family adage, from a scolding that a graduate-school professor had given his brother: "The work is hard. Do the work."

Did his brother get a PhD in Classics at the University of Michigan? Because that sounds exactly like something my professors would say.

I've added a new post-it above my desk with that exhortation. It joins another post-it I put up just a few days ago, after I had lunch with my friend Brianne. When I was fretting out loud over how to apportion the sections in my current chapter, she recommended, "Write it 'til it's done." Pretty good advice. I think I'll give it a try!

June assessment

It's hard to believe that June is nearly over! I'm packing up my stuff tonight, teaching my last day at the Institute tomorrow, and D. will move me out tomorrow night. I can't wait to get out of my stupid sublet. One thing I've learned this summer: I am now, apparently, too old to handle crappy living arrangements. Remember when we could say things like, "It's only for a month; I can handle anything!"? NOT TRUE ANYMORE.

As excited as I am to leave the apartment, I am sad to leave the Institute. I don't know whether I'll be back to teach next summer, and after that, the opportunities to return will only grow rarer. My colleagues at the Institute have shaped me into the teacher I am today, and I will miss working with them. I feel grateful, however, simply to have been here, for teaching at the Institute was one of my major goals for graduate school!

I wrote a post at the beginning of June with my goals for my month. Let's see how I actually did:

Wedding-related:
We picked a venue! We picked a date! Still working on church and style.

Dissertation-related:
I actually made more progress than I expected: I conceived an overall theme for my final chapter, got it approved by my advisor, and wrote the first five pages this month. Hopefully, this means I can hit the ground running when I return to Ann Arbor. I did not read any German or Pindar.

Job search-related:
I did nothing!

New York-related:
I got to see my friends! I visited the Met, MoMA, and Morgan! I ate delicious foods! I walked in the parks! I saw a play! I almost stepped into a dead bird! I smelled a lot of trash on the sidewalk!

And last, but certainly not least, I got to spend time with this little niece o' mine:

This picture was taken two weeks ago, and she's EVEN CUTER NOW!

I think that June has been a productive month, but that's been possible only because I've cut a number of things out of my life: reading everything I'm interested in on the internet, reading fiction for pleasure, running/exercising, cooking (and refrigerator/fresh food management), spending time with D., and most forms of entertainment (TV, movies, games). I'm glad to be rid of some of these time-sinks, like mindless internet browsing and TV. My new challenge will be to use the hours I'm no longer spending on teaching to pursue only the good stuff: eating healthier, regular exercise, the occasional novel, and of course, enjoying the summer with D.!

Chapter 3 draft: goodbye!

I am pleased to report that I have drafted and sent off to my advisors the third chapter of my dissertation! It clocks in at 53 pages (ugh, it's such a bad mixed metaphor, but I can't resist), which is a bit longer than I expected. I had hoped to submit this chapter by May 18th, but I think running only one week late is pretty good, considering D. and I got engaged in the interim. =) I'm hopeful I'll get useful feedback, but at least I don't have to be too worried: I showed my committee chair a précis of the argument four weeks ago, and she already approved it. Phew, one more thing I can check off the list!