anatomy of a let-down

As all regular readers of this blog are aware, yesterday was the day I submitted the final draft of my dissertation to my committee, ten working days in advance of the actual defense on 14 December. Some of my readers are too aware, having graciously copy-edited dozens of pages for me at the last minute (Julie, Katie, Shuen) or created professional-looking images to replace my crude, preschool-level diagrams (Sarah B.)! I'd like to take a moment to brag: who could ask for a better team? I'm pretty sure most people don't have best friends who are superb writers and editors, send encouraging emails and flowers, and keep track of all the important milestones. I can't believe how fortunate I am. My cousin Ruth emailed me an adorable picture of Apphia every night for the past week; Dave cooked me dinner at home and then brought it to the department, so I wouldn't have to interrupt my work; Brianne delivered freshly baked cookies; everyone was patient with me. Whether from across the world or across the street, I've felt so supported and encouraged by you all! Thank you.

So I'm surprised I don't feel better about this whole situation, now that it's over. Even though the frenzy and concentration is over for now, I don't quite feel relieved or excited. It turns out that it was merely a moment of emotional significance for me, one that doesn't actually change anything. I feel disappointed that my dissertation didn't accomplish all I had hoped for, and at this point, all I see are the things I should've done differently two years ago. Yesterday afternoon, I spent hours wrestling with a printer that would jam every 20 pages (on a document that's 278 pages long), and then a photocopier that kept getting confused until it just plain gave up. And after all that work of perfecting the formatting and eliminating typos, I ended up sending an electronic copy in Word format to my advisor that didn't match the PDF and has continuous footnoting. (Curse you, Openoffice!) And of course, none of my committee members is happy to receive this mammoth and have to read it. By the end of the afternoon, I was just upset.

I'm sure I'll feel better after a couple days of SLEEP and easing back into the rest of my life. I took a first step last night: taking out the trash (all of my trash cans were overflowing! disgusting!). After taking Dave to the airport early this morning, I've been spending all day grading drafts and applying to jobs. Some things don't change, I suppose. In the meantime, it's time to consider what I want to add back into my life, now that I've stripped away everything that wasn't the dissertation. One definite priority: spending time with the family and friends who have been so good to me! I'm going to have to adjust to not being the needy, selfish one, for once... ;)

a Thanksgiving memory

As frivolous as it was for me to take two nights and go home for Thanksgiving last week, I'm glad I did it. I can hardly believe it was just a few days ago! But I'm quite certain I would've been too depressed and discouraged to be very productive in Ann Arbor if I had stayed; moreover, I did grade all my papers and complete this week's teaching prep while home, so this week, it's all dissertation, all the time! I only have four more days, so I don't have much choice. Waaaah!

Before I put my head down again to revise my last main chapter, I wanted to share a photo that my talented cousin Ruth captured and then emailed me last night. 

My niece, the Florette, is getting so big! She is wincing after I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She better start getting used to my affection! <hands on hips>

Family Time

I spent all of last week at Bethany Beach, DE, for a family reunion! My mom's family hadn't gathered together for an occasion outside of a wedding in the past twelve years, so it was a very special event. Over 50 people stayed in three houses near the beach – during the day, we went to the beach or boardwalk, and in the evenings we all ate together and had structured sharing time. It was wonderful to be together and spend time with the little kids, and I even got a little work done! Here are some highlights:

French Horn duets

 Ocean City, MD boardwalk – that's the Atlantic in the background.

 Playing with Apphia

 Kite-flying at the beach

 Building sand mounds (before destroying them)

 We had an Iron Chef-style cooking contest on the last day. Here's Team Tapir, preparing five dishes all with the secret ingredient: blueberry preserves!

After my family's reunion, we stopped in Maryland to visit Dave's family. We went on a train ride with his niece Amie.

I was kind of devastated when Family Reunion was over, but I'm gradually acclimating to regular life. The good news is that we'll all be together again...at the wedding in May!