As all regular readers of this blog are aware, yesterday was the day I submitted the final draft of my dissertation to my committee, ten working days in advance of the actual defense on 14 December. Some of my readers are too aware, having graciously copy-edited dozens of pages for me at the last minute (Julie, Katie, Shuen) or created professional-looking images to replace my crude, preschool-level diagrams (Sarah B.)! I'd like to take a moment to brag: who could ask for a better team? I'm pretty sure most people don't have best friends who are superb writers and editors, send encouraging emails and flowers, and keep track of all the important milestones. I can't believe how fortunate I am. My cousin Ruth emailed me an adorable picture of Apphia every night for the past week; Dave cooked me dinner at home and then brought it to the department, so I wouldn't have to interrupt my work; Brianne delivered freshly baked cookies; everyone was patient with me. Whether from across the world or across the street, I've felt so supported and encouraged by you all! Thank you.
So I'm surprised I don't feel better about this whole situation, now that it's over. Even though the frenzy and concentration is over for now, I don't quite feel relieved or excited. It turns out that it was merely a moment of emotional significance for me, one that doesn't actually change anything. I feel disappointed that my dissertation didn't accomplish all I had hoped for, and at this point, all I see are the things I should've done differently two years ago. Yesterday afternoon, I spent hours wrestling with a printer that would jam every 20 pages (on a document that's 278 pages long), and then a photocopier that kept getting confused until it just plain gave up. And after all that work of perfecting the formatting and eliminating typos, I ended up sending an electronic copy in Word format to my advisor that didn't match the PDF and has continuous footnoting. (Curse you, Openoffice!) And of course, none of my committee members is happy to receive this mammoth and have to read it. By the end of the afternoon, I was just upset.
I'm sure I'll feel better after a couple days of SLEEP and easing back into the rest of my life. I took a first step last night: taking out the trash (all of my trash cans were overflowing! disgusting!). After taking Dave to the airport early this morning, I've been spending all day grading drafts and applying to jobs. Some things don't change, I suppose. In the meantime, it's time to consider what I want to add back into my life, now that I've stripped away everything that wasn't the dissertation. One definite priority: spending time with the family and friends who have been so good to me! I'm going to have to adjust to not being the needy, selfish one, for once... ;)
So I'm surprised I don't feel better about this whole situation, now that it's over. Even though the frenzy and concentration is over for now, I don't quite feel relieved or excited. It turns out that it was merely a moment of emotional significance for me, one that doesn't actually change anything. I feel disappointed that my dissertation didn't accomplish all I had hoped for, and at this point, all I see are the things I should've done differently two years ago. Yesterday afternoon, I spent hours wrestling with a printer that would jam every 20 pages (on a document that's 278 pages long), and then a photocopier that kept getting confused until it just plain gave up. And after all that work of perfecting the formatting and eliminating typos, I ended up sending an electronic copy in Word format to my advisor that didn't match the PDF and has continuous footnoting. (Curse you, Openoffice!) And of course, none of my committee members is happy to receive this mammoth and have to read it. By the end of the afternoon, I was just upset.
I'm sure I'll feel better after a couple days of SLEEP and easing back into the rest of my life. I took a first step last night: taking out the trash (all of my trash cans were overflowing! disgusting!). After taking Dave to the airport early this morning, I've been spending all day grading drafts and applying to jobs. Some things don't change, I suppose. In the meantime, it's time to consider what I want to add back into my life, now that I've stripped away everything that wasn't the dissertation. One definite priority: spending time with the family and friends who have been so good to me! I'm going to have to adjust to not being the needy, selfish one, for once... ;)
YOU ARE DONE! done done DONE! :)
ReplyDeleteHave you started to recover from your "letdown" yet?? I think it's totally natural to feel a little "ugh" after that long stressful exhausting process...not only are you COMPLETELY drained, there was SO much anticipation over an extended period of time about this project that you can't help but feel like it has to be BRILLIANT AND AMAZING AND PERFECT, a reflection of your years in earning your phD and your intellect and academic potential, and what dissertation can really live up to that? Our visions are always larger and rosier than reality; it doesn't mean you haven't done an excellent, admirable job. I always read about people who've been looking forward to something for a long time (e.g. acceptance into college, wedding, birth of a child), then afterwards feeling a little depressed, because then it's like-- okay, now what? Oh right, I'm still me, and I still have things to deal with, and whatever I was looking forward to isn't some magic pill that transforms everything. This was such a great achievement... and if it doesn't feel like the most fulfilling thing in the world to you, oh well! You are more than your dissertation, and it is okay that handing it in doesn't satisfy the deepest longings of your heart. :)
here here! :-)
DeleteAlso - I think I've signed in to comment in three different ways on this blog: google/gmail blogger, wordpress, and now umich google blogger. Hmm... very confusing.
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