I can't believe I survived this semester! Looking back, I can now see how hybristic it was to attempt to accomplish so many things at once. And yet, things seem to have worked out. My dissertation only requires modest revisions before deposit; I have opportunities to discuss my work and teaching with search committees; aside from a few students who are angry at not being awarded an A just for showing up, my students seem to have enjoyed our class; the wedding will happen.
Victory! ...right? Yesterday was the first day I could wake up not feeling completely overwhelmed by the tasks awaiting me that day. And so it became the first day on which I could survey the costs of this kind of lifestyle. I gave up a lot of things I love this semester: singing, cooking, exercising (not that I exactly love it), keeping up with friends, reading fiction, leisure time, personal grooming, sleep. I needed all that time and mental energy to focus on myself and getting myself through each day. In fact, all I did was think about myself.
Turns out that utter self-absorption is not good for a relationship! Dave has been extremely generous and supportive this whole time – he has made me gifts, written me notes, and cared for me so many times. And while I appreciated each act and expressed that to him, I never returned the favor and made him feel cared for and beloved in the ways that he likes. We are very different, which is usually a good thing, but sometimes that means communicating our care for each other requires extra effort. I simply did not have the energy to take that extra step and think about what would make him feel especially cherished or known.
Fortunately, the time in my life of crying about my dissertation is over. But from all indications, the first year or two as a faculty member is even worse than any period in graduate school. In the Humanities, we talk all the time about how studying literature is supposed to help teach us lessons about life and relationships. Funny how a significant part of my dissertation is about the corrosive effects of individual heroism on the home: the very process of heroic success – victory in competition over a worthy but external enemy – is antithetical to wise rule over a stable household. So you'd think I might have been more aware...but no. So here's the challenge: how can we accomplish everything on our to-do lists, while still nurturing and protecting our future marriage? A new year, a fresh start begins soon. Let's see how we do!
Victory! ...right? Yesterday was the first day I could wake up not feeling completely overwhelmed by the tasks awaiting me that day. And so it became the first day on which I could survey the costs of this kind of lifestyle. I gave up a lot of things I love this semester: singing, cooking, exercising (not that I exactly love it), keeping up with friends, reading fiction, leisure time, personal grooming, sleep. I needed all that time and mental energy to focus on myself and getting myself through each day. In fact, all I did was think about myself.
Turns out that utter self-absorption is not good for a relationship! Dave has been extremely generous and supportive this whole time – he has made me gifts, written me notes, and cared for me so many times. And while I appreciated each act and expressed that to him, I never returned the favor and made him feel cared for and beloved in the ways that he likes. We are very different, which is usually a good thing, but sometimes that means communicating our care for each other requires extra effort. I simply did not have the energy to take that extra step and think about what would make him feel especially cherished or known.
Fortunately, the time in my life of crying about my dissertation is over. But from all indications, the first year or two as a faculty member is even worse than any period in graduate school. In the Humanities, we talk all the time about how studying literature is supposed to help teach us lessons about life and relationships. Funny how a significant part of my dissertation is about the corrosive effects of individual heroism on the home: the very process of heroic success – victory in competition over a worthy but external enemy – is antithetical to wise rule over a stable household. So you'd think I might have been more aware...but no. So here's the challenge: how can we accomplish everything on our to-do lists, while still nurturing and protecting our future marriage? A new year, a fresh start begins soon. Let's see how we do!
if you find out the answer to your question, please share. inquiring minds need to know.
ReplyDeleteI think part of the answer lies in redefining success to include selective mediocrity. Often, "good enough" is good enough-- you don't need to do A+ work on every item of your to-do list.
ReplyDeleteWhen we think about "living up to our potential," we tend to think about "what we could do under ideal conditions." But we don't have ideal conditions!
Is this report outstanding, or what I could have written if I'd had 5 hours? No. I had 1 hour, and I did a decent-to-good job and can move on with my life.
Do I use the recipe for roasted chicken that we like but don't love, or do I use the one we love but takes an extra two hours and dirties twice as many dishes? Just do the easier one and don't feel like a "lesser" cook!
Am I making as much progress on my writing project as I could if I cut everything else out of my schedule? What about those OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE who are working on THEIR writing projects all day long, oh no oh no oh no I'm behind!! Oh well-- I'm making some progress, and I can never compete with those people who have different schedules and different lives.
Nor can I compete with some hypothetical version of myself who has nothing else to do but X. Because I have X, and Y, and Z, not to mention A through W, and it's impossible to do everything optimally all the time.
So for me, I feel like all the to-do items are more manageable once I accept that I don't have to be "A+ Julie" at all times. Being accomplished should also include selective mediocrity. It's necessary for your sanity.
julie, in principle i agree with everything you say! it's true that we need to be realistic and prioritize what's important, instead of beating ourselves up in comparison to an imaginary version of ourselves! however, i'm not sure how to apply your advice to my *current* stage in life. what do i when every sentence of every cover letter counts, and the final form of my dissertation will influence my letters of recommendation, and my advisor is coming to observe my teaching the next morning? there is nothing more to cut out or compromise on! it's not about choosing a simply-delicious-and-slightly-less-work-roasted-chicken recipe, when i'm eating skittles someone gave me for lunch two days in a row (and skipping lunch the day they ran out), because i literally didn't cook for three months. in a way, i've given up on protecting my sanity: i just don't want to permanently damage my relationship!
DeleteA wiser woman than me says, "You can't prioritize; you must compartmentalize."
DeleteHaha okay, so I didn't realize THE EXTENT to which you'd already accepted mediocrity or "just getting by" in every other area. SKITTLES FOR LUNCH for multiple consecutive days?! Awful!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you can find someone who's made it work-- has a good, not necessarily outstanding, academic career, as well as a good family life, and see how that person's done it.
yes, good idea...it's definitely really important in academia to seek out your own mentors, because no one's just offering it out of the goodness of her heart!
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