success?

I can't believe I survived this semester! Looking back, I can now see how hybristic it was to attempt to accomplish so many things at once. And yet, things seem to have worked out. My dissertation only requires modest revisions before deposit; I have opportunities to discuss my work and teaching with search committees; aside from a few students who are angry at not being awarded an A just for showing up, my students seem to have enjoyed our class; the wedding will happen.

Victory! ...right? Yesterday was the first day I could wake up not feeling completely overwhelmed by the tasks awaiting me that day. And so it became the first day on which I could survey the costs of this kind of lifestyle. I gave up a lot of things I love this semester: singing, cooking, exercising (not that I exactly love it), keeping up with friends, reading fiction, leisure time, personal grooming, sleep. I needed all that time and mental energy to focus on myself and getting myself through each day. In fact, all I did was think about myself.

Turns out that utter self-absorption is not good for a relationship! Dave has been extremely generous and supportive this whole time – he has made me gifts, written me notes, and cared for me so many times. And while I appreciated each act and expressed that to him, I never returned the favor and made him feel cared for and beloved in the ways that he likes. We are very different, which is usually a good thing, but sometimes that means communicating our care for each other requires extra effort. I simply did not have the energy to take that extra step and think about what would make him feel especially cherished or known.

Fortunately, the time in my life of crying about my dissertation is over. But from all indications, the first year or two as a faculty member is even worse than any period in graduate school. In the Humanities, we talk all the time about how studying literature is supposed to help teach us lessons about life and relationships. Funny how a significant part of my dissertation is about the corrosive effects of individual heroism on the home: the very process of heroic success – victory in competition over a worthy but external enemy – is antithetical to wise rule over a stable household. So you'd think I might have been more aware...but no. So here's the challenge: how can we accomplish everything on our to-do lists, while still nurturing and protecting our future marriage? A new year, a fresh start begins soon. Let's see how we do!

"Leave it alone" vs. "always room for improvement"

Julie is such a good reader and friend – not only did she remember my blog entry about enjoying advice from long-married couples, she also emailed me this perfectly relevant column by Colbert King of the Washington Post! In it, he offers marriage advice based on 50 years of marriage.

He argues for an approach of benign neglect:

For those still curious about how we managed to last all these years, I offer this advice: Once the knot is tied, leave it alone.

Marriage is like baking bread, roasting a chicken or whipping up a dessert. Once it’s prepped, and starts cooking, no testing, tasting or stirring. Don’t poke or flip it once it’s on the grill. When it’s done, let it rest.

Too many folks get married, only to end up worrying their marriages to death.

I don't want to worry anything to death! (But for the record, doesn't cooking usually require some testing, tasting, stirring, and flipping?? Maybe I'm just an anxious cook, as well.) King sounds peaceful and secure...pretty appealing, no?

But King's argument stands in direct contrast to today's "always room for improvement" marital culture, which, as far as I can tell, pervades at least the NYT's Style Section. Case in point: Elizabeth Weil's NYT Magazine 2009 cover story on marriage improvement, which itself was a teaser for her recently published book (which I have not read). Here's the premise for her endeavor, which apparently involved reading various marriage-advice books, attending marriage-improvement classes and therapy, and having new kinds of fights with her husband.

And as I lay there, I started wondering why I wasn’t applying myself to the project of being a spouse. My marriage was good, utterly central to my existence, yet in no other important aspect of my life was I so laissez-faire. Like most of my peers, I applied myself to school, friendship, work, health and, ad nauseam, raising my children. But in this critical area, marriage, we had all turned away. I wanted to understand why. I wanted not to accept this.

There's been plenty of discussion about Weil's book by people more articulate than I, and this is just a quick blog post. Bottom line: she sounds insane, and really bad at constructing an experiment. And also...far too relatable? Because I too am Type-A, love projects, enjoy research, and am generally anxious about my relationships. Furthermore: let's just say, for the sake of the argument, that I turn out to be "less successful" in my academic career than I had hoped. Let's say that I decide it's not worth pursuing this career through years of frequent moving, temporary positions, low remuneration, and constant uncertainty, and decide to leave the field. This may enable me to find a line of work with greater security, actually live with D. in the same house, and/or start a family! But can I envision myself coming to view my marriage as "a project," perhaps in compensation for all the, I don't know, Classics articles I thought I'd be writing? [Euripides' Helen re-enacts the Trojan War! You heard it here first!] Um, yes.

Ultimately, at least as of today, Weil did not in fact worry her marriage to death. After all of that "work," she came to the following, non-earth-shattering conclusion:

...the “good-enough marriage” is characterized by its capacity to allow spouses to keep growing, to afford them the strength and bravery required to face the world.

I agree, but question whether she needed to go through (and put her husband through) all of that hullabaloo to understand this.

So, which approach do you think works best? Is this a case of "to each his own"? Some couples will be more successful by letting things be; others will thrive with conscientious effort. I usually fall back on two platitudes: every couple is different, and the truth likely lies somewhere in the middle. But if this is where I inevitably end up after attempting to evaluate diametrically-opposed ideologies, is it possible that this whole effort to glean wisdom from other couples is not so meaningful after all?

Marriage IS scary

'Til death do us part? For someone in her late-twenties, that's a scary phrase. I've already changed so much in the past ten years; how do I know who I will be in the future? Or who D. will become? I've noticed that most of my parents' friends have encountered, at some point in their marriage, at least one terrible trial: cancer, the sudden loss of a loved one, financial disappointment, a child turning out very differently than had been hoped. How will we handle it, when something bad inevitably happens?

That's why I love hearing about couples who have lasted decades. I'm fortunate to have many examples in my own family to imitate. And the NYTimes Vows column sometimes includes a "State of the Union" update on previously featured couples. This week's column looks back at couples who married when the column was still new. One couple shared the following advice:

How do they stay so happy? “If I were to boil it down to one thing, Susan stayed nice and I stayed funny,” Mr. Parent said. “If you can stay kind and keep a sense of humor, man, you can get through anything.” 

Funny I'm not too worried about. But NICE?? Well, just as I'm hoping not to turn into a Bridezilla over the next year, I'm going to work on not transmogrifying into a shrew of a wife. Wish me luck!

(Hilariously, the file name for this image is "hissy-shrew," and the caption reads, in part, "Shrews will stop at nothing to defend their precious food supply...All that gorging leads straight to an early grave." Sounds about right?)